she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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