Is it because I queefed?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
