totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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