It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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