My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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