i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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