Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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