My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
