know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
