He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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