Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
