Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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