I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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