I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
