Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
