My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Farmville is her only friend.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He has the fingertips of a God
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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