Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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