i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
