i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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