He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
