All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
