I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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