Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
