I'm really into asian looking animals
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
