please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
