i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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