she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
