I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
