My liver just broke up with me...
my phone needs a breathalizer
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
