Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
