Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
