One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
