the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sext me about skeletons
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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