if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize