There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
