lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
