My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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