i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
