you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She has the best kind of daddy issues
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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