The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
