My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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