The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
