I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
