I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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