im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
