the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
