Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
