In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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