There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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