Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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